ANCIENT EGYPT
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they
all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert
and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
BIBLE
GEOGRAPHY
The Bible
is full of interesting caricatures.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam, and Eve
were created from an apple tree. One of their children,
Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread made without any
ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
ITALIANS
said it first
Everything has its purpose: a horse does not
raise its tail without reason
A hundred years
from now we'll all be bald
Old mice like young
corn, even when they lack the teeth to eat it
An old cow thinks
she was never a calf
Alas, the old man forgets what the young man has yet to
know
He who yearns for a
lasting peace will find it in the cemetery
Fire, water, and
polititicians quickly make room for themselves
Hell and the police
station are always open
He who sleeps with
dogs will get up with fleas
The farmer values
manure more than he does ancestors
Beware those who
take by the bushel and give by the spoon
An egg today is
worth two hens tomorrow
Tie up the mule
when the owner tells you, and if he breaks his neck, the
blame is not yours
The expert dancer
goes from one wedding to another, but never his own.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also
had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Socrates was a
famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
In the Olympic
games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java.
AFGHANISTAN
WEATHER REPORT
The weather in Afghanistan tomorrow is expected
to be sunny in the morning with increasing mushroom
clouds in the afternoon.
The temperature looks to be a moderate 2000 degrees with
cool winds upwards of around 700 miles per hour. It will
definitely be a day for the sunblock, and it wouldn't
hurt to shake the dust off the old lead suit in the
closet.
If you're planning on venturing outside in beautiful
Afghanistan tomorrow, don't forget to drink plenty of
fluids such as barium which shows up nicely when blasts
of radiation flow through your body.
Most of all, have fun out there in dusty Afghanistan and
enjoy the old country while...... well, while it's still
there.
EUROPEAN
CONTRIBUTIONS to HISTORY
Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen
she was a success. When she exposed herself before her
troops they all shouted, "hurrah."
There were great
inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot
clipper.
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Roman History
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,
he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
SIGNS
for English-speaking Tourists
Directions
for hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF
YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE
CONTROL YOURSELF
Car rental brochure,
Japan: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE
HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL
OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR
Hotel rules, Japan:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED
Coctail lounge,
Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE
BAR
In a Nairobi
restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT
TO SEE THE MANAGER
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE
FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY
Hotel lobby,
Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY.
DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE
Hotel elevator,
Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
Polish menu: SALAD
A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY
DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE;
BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION
Hotel sign, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID
Skier's hotel,
Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF
REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION
Supermarket, Hong
Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS,
EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE
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