Bear News Beartown News
NOVEMBER 1, 2001

THE COUNTRY CORNER

ANCIENT EGYPT

 

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


BIBLE GEOGRAPHY

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam, and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.


ITALIANS
said it first

Everything has its purpose: a horse does not raise its tail without reason
A hundred years from now we'll all be bald
Old mice like young corn, even when they lack the teeth to eat it
An old cow thinks she was never a calf
Alas, the old man forgets what the young man has yet to know
He who yearns for a lasting peace will find it in the cemetery
Fire, water, and polititicians quickly make room for themselves
Hell and the police station are always open
He who sleeps with dogs will get up with fleas
The farmer values manure more than he does ancestors
Beware those who take by the bushel and give by the spoon
An egg today is worth two hens tomorrow
Tie up the mule when the owner tells you, and if he breaks his neck, the blame is not yours
The expert dancer goes from one wedding to another, but never his own.

GREEK HISTORY

 

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.


AFGHANISTAN WEATHER REPORT

The weather in Afghanistan tomorrow is expected to be sunny in the morning with increasing mushroom clouds in the afternoon.
The temperature looks to be a moderate 2000 degrees with cool winds upwards of around 700 miles per hour. It will definitely be a day for the sunblock, and it wouldn't hurt to shake the dust off the old lead suit in the closet.
If you're planning on venturing outside in beautiful Afghanistan tomorrow, don't forget to drink plenty of fluids such as barium which shows up nicely when blasts of radiation flow through your body.
Most of all, have fun out there in dusty Afghanistan and enjoy the old country while...... well, while it's still there.


EUROPEAN CONTRIBUTIONS to HISTORY

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah."
There were great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

Roman History

 

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."


SIGNS for English-speaking Tourists

Directions for hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF
Car rental brochure, Japan: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR
Hotel rules, Japan: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED
Coctail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
Polish menu: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION
Hotel sign, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID
Skier's hotel, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION
Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE

 

Email: dernc@sover.net


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by VTweb.com