If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage
will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit
the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules
of Life Really Are... You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If
it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use
the Duct Tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You
have another chance!
Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!
IN the CASKET
Three friends from the local congregation were asked
"When you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I
was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference
in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's
NAVY POINT of
A Navy pilot sat down
at the Officer's Club bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the
man in the flight suit and asked, "Are you a
real Navy pilot?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole
life flying big, gray planes, deploying overseas to strange places,
attending combat and weapons schools, dodging SAMs, jinxing through
hostile airspace, wearing big watches, and strapping into cockpits and
Speed Jeans, so I guess I am a Navy pilot."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I
think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch
TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems
that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the pilot
and asked, "Are you a real Navy pilot?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but
I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Jesse J. got out of the shower and was drying off
when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was
white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he really was turning
white and might have to start working for a living,
he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction
of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to
drink it all.
Jesse did and replied,
"That tasted like bullshit!"
The doctor replied,
"It was, Jesse. You
were a quart low."
I often quote
myself. It adds spice to my conversation!
A man comes into
the ER and yells, "My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and started top take off her underwear. Suddenly
I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the
At the beginning of my shift I
placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall.
I instructed. "Yes, they
used to be." remorsed the
One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of
a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than 5 minutes
later I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive
I was performing a complete
physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed
the patient 20 feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line
perfectely. "Now your
left." Again a flawless
read. "Now both."
I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even
read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me,
his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?"
I asked. "The patch.
The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. The man had
over 50 patches on his body! Now the instructions
include the removal of the old patch before applying a new
While acquainting myself with a
new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered.
"Why, not for about 20 years -
when my husband was alive.
I was caring for a woman from
Kentucky and asked "So, how's
your breakfast this morning?" "It's
very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the
patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled
A nurse was on duty in the ER,
when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk
rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above
it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female
pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing the exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar
If you lived here,
you'd be home now.