HUMOR
PSALM
Monopoly
is my caretaker: I shall not want.
It alloweth me to play golf in subsidized pastures; it
angles with me in posted waters.
It reneweth my income; it leadeth me in the paths of
luxury for its name's sake.
Yea, tho I walk thru the dangers of the death-traps of
industry, I will fear no losses;for thou art with me: thy
privileges and thy profits they comfort me.
Thou declarest dividends unto me in the presence of my
victims; thou hast fattened my surplus with graft: my
wealth runneth over.
Surely special interests will be granted me all the days
of my life, and I will legislate in the hall of Monopoly
forever.
Excerps
From
Patient's Charts at Beartown Hospital
The
patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me
in 1995.
The patient refused
an autopsy.
Patient had eggs
for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Patient's
past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She is numb from
her toes down.
The patient has no
past history of suicides.
On the 2nd day the
knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.
She stated that she
had been constipated for most of her life, until she got
a divorce.
Patient
has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Patient has left
his white blood cells at another hospital.
She has had no
rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
The skin was moist
and dry.
Occasional,
constant, infrequent headaches.
While in the ER,
she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
Skin:
Somewhat pale but present.
The patient was to
have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
I saw your patient
today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Patient has chest
pain if he lies on his left side for over a year.
Patient was seen in
consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen, and I agree.
Discharge status:
Alive but without permission.
DID
SOMEBODY SAY BEARTOWN
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WEATHER
What is
the difference between "partly cloudy" and
"partly sunny" in a weather report?
The
expression partly sunny was brought to you by
the same folks who brought you comfort station
and sanitary engineer. As a technical
meteorological term, partly sunny doesn't exist.
So while you might assume that a partly sunny sky should
be clearer than a partly cloudy one, the two terms
signify the same condition. You have merely encountered a
weathercaster who prefers to see the glass as half full
rather than half empty.
Save
$$$?
Heat with Wood
First year
costs:
2 stoves
and installation $1385.
Removal of hot water baseboard and boiler $238.
Search for reputable wood dealer N/A $76.
Chain saw $210.
Ax, wedges, maul, cant hook, etc. $119.
Old truck (junk after 1st load) $595.
Newer truck $8645.
Tire chains $88.
Replace truck's rear windoiw (twice) $310.
Fine for cutting wrong trees $500.
5-acre woodlot $4995.
Splitting machine $950.
14 cases of beer $126.
6 fifths ginger brandy $38.
Fine for littering $250.
Towing charge (brook to road) $50.
Gas, oil, files, Band-aids $97.
Doctor's fee (sawdust in eye) $45.
Medical cost for broken toe (dropped log) $128.
Safety shoes $35.
Attempt to fix burned hole in carpet $76.
New living room carpet $699.
Paint living room $110.
Taxes on woodlot $44.
Woodlot boundary dispute settlement $465.
Roof repair after chimney fire $840.
Fine for assaulting fireman $50.
Extension ladder $55.
Chimney brush $22.
Medical fee for broken leg (fell off roof) $478.
Chimney cleaning service $90.
Replace coffee table (chopped up and burned while too
drunk to bring firewood up from cellar) $79.
Divorce settlement $14,500.
EXPENSES $36,388
Sale of
hot water boiler system $125.
Fuel oil savings $376.
CREDITS $501.
NET COST
OF FIRST YEAR WOOD BURNING OPERATION; $35,887.
PROVERBS
You may
bend the sapling, but not the tree.
As one tends the
fence he also tends the farm.
Whistling girls and
crowing hens come to a bad end.
A sheep that bleats
loses many a mouthful.
A person who thinks
too little usually talks too much.
We grow too soon
old and too late smart.
Kissing wears out -
cooking don't.
If you go barefoot,
don't plant thorns.
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