FEBRUARY 1, 2004
I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Never accuse the
American Military of not having a sense of humor! Have you
heard what the troops are calling the Sikorsky Blackhawk
helicopter Hillary Clinton
used on her Iraq tour?
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without
embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door
for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like
any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of
beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.
At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.
Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.
One morning, Patty could not find the clover.
He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.
He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.
From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.
The little inconveniences were always there.
He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.
The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.
No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.
Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.
"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."
If you lived here, you'd be home now.
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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