JUNE 1, 2000

HUMOR

RECAPTURED

A farmer's son was coming back from market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted him with when the box fell and broke open. The chickens scattered in all directions. The son quickly repaired the crate and went in search of the missing chickens. Eventually he started back to the farm, anticipating the worst from his father.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly' "but I managed to find all 10 of them."
"Well you did a real good job, son." the farmer beamed "You only left with 6."

TEACHER'S COMMENTS ABOUT STUDENTS

She's sharp as a marble.
A few clowns short of a circus.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.
Knows little, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Not the brightest color in the crayon box.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

BEARTOWN DINER

An old gent was flirting with a beautiful waitress. "Tell me sweetheart, where have you been all my life?"
"Actually sir," she pointed out sweetly "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn't even around."

FINGER FOOD

The waiter brings the customer his steak with his thumb on top of the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer "You have your hand on my steak!"
"Do you want it to fall on the floor again?" answers the waiter.

A visitor to Beartown walked up to 96 year old Hugh Rounds who was sitting on the bench outside the Post Office.
"Been here all your life?." said the flatlander.
"Not yit" said Hugh.

DID SOMEBODY SAY BEARTOWN?

THE BUS STATION

At 6PM the bus terminal was crowded. A woman sat wiping her eyes and answering the questions a man was asking in a low tone.
Suddenly the man rose and faced the crowded room. "Good people," he said, "Here is a poor woman who wants enough money to take her to visit her family in Denver. I myself am not wealthy but I am willing to contribute $10. How many of you will add something?"
Off came his hat, and inside it, added to the $10 bill, there was soon a considerable pile of money with which the woman hurried to the ticket window.
A man on the fringe of the crowd came up to the man who had started the collection. "Joe Gordon, aren't you?"
"I am."
"And isn't that your wife?"
"She is." he admitted shamelessly. "And why shouldn't I give my wife a $10 bill to help her off on a visit?"

LOG DRIVE

While working on a log drive, a lumberjack fell into the water. Dizzy and nearly exhausted, he managed to grasp a big log and hold onto it. The current was so strong and swift that it swept his body under the log until his feet stuck out the other side.
Just as a comrade, who had run to his assistance, grabbed him by the shoulders, he caught sight of his own feet protruding on the other side of the log.
"I can hold on a little longer, Jack," he gasped. "Save the fellow who's in head first."

Benjie met a bear.
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Benjie.

The tourist greatly admired the magnificent bulls he saw. At one location he saw an especially wonderful animal, stopped his car, took out his camera, and climbed a fence to get a prize photo. Just then he saw a farmer looking at him. "Hey there," said the tourist. "Can you tell me? Is that bull safe?"
The farmers reply was short and to the point. "A durn-sight safer than you are mister."

THE OWL
by a fifth grade girl

The bird I am going to write about is an owl. I don't know much about an owl so I am going to write about the bat. The cow is a mammal. It has six sides, right, left, an upper and a lower. At the back it has a tail on which hangs the brush. With this it sends the flies away so they don't get in the milk.
The head is for the purpose of growing horns and so that the mouth can be somewhere. the horns are to butt with and the mouth is to eat with. Under the cow hangs the milk. The milk comes and there is never an end to the supply. How the cow does it I have not yet realized but it can make more and more.
The cow has a fine sense of smell and you can smell it far away. This is the reason for the fresh air in the country. The man cow is called an ox. It is not a mammal.
The cow does not eat much but what it eats it eats twice so that it gets enough. When it's hungry it moos and when it says nothing it's because its inside is full up.