HUMOR
THOUGHTS
He who
laughs last; thinks slowest.
Everyone has a
photographic memory; some just don't have film.
On the other hand,
you have different fingers.
Change is
inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in
thought; it was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done
it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by
the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel I'm
diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You can't have
everything; where would you put it?
I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
Honk if you love
peace and quiet!
FISHIN'
When the
wind is in the east,
Then the fishes
bite the least;
When the wind is in
the west,
Then the fishes
bite the best;
When the wind is in
the north,
Then the fishes do
come forth;
When the wind is in
the south,
It blows the bait
in the fish's mouth.
DID
SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN
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RUFUS and CLARENCE
Rufus and Clarence lived on opposite sides
of the Bearkill River and they hated each other. Every
morning, just after sunrise, the two old geezers would go
to their respective sides of the river and yell at each
other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better
thank your lucky stars I can't swim er I'd swim across
this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You
better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim er I'd
swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years. Then the
State built a bridge. Still, every morning, every day,
for several more years the yelling went on even with the
new bridge in place.
Finally Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she
squallers, "I cain't take no more!! You been
threatenin' to whup Clarence for well over 20 years. Well,
there's the bridge... have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment, chewed his bottom lip for
another moment, and snapping his suspenders into place
announced "Woman, I'm a gonna cross that bridge and
whup Clarence's butt!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the
riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped onto the bridge,
walked about halfway across the bridge, looked up..
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK HOME, SLAMMED THE DOOR,
BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE UNDER
THE BED!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses, "I thought you
waz gonna whup Clarence's butt?"
"I wuz, woman, I wuz!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses, "What in
tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus,
"I went to the bridge and halfway across I looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with
suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign
that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't
never looked that big from this side of the river!!!"
FISHIN'
Old Noah went a-fishing;
He sat
upon the ark
And
kept his hooks a-dangle
From
daybreak on to dark.
His
catch was pretty meager;
But
every one affirms
He had
no chance, because he
Had
just a pair of worms.
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