DECEMBER 1, 2000
Open LETTER to Beartown Savings & Loan
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calaulations some three nanoseconds must have elasped between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
find attached an Application Contract Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
buttons as follows:
contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
of my automated answering service. While this may on
occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration.
Your humble client,
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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