JUNE 1, 2001

NEWS

Another Patent

Beartown resident Dr. I. R. Beardsley has invented a cell phone which doubles as a portable electric razor. This product will certainly draw criticism from the group of residents that are opposed to any change of any type in Beartown.

CHURCH BULLETINS

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come into the Church for a faith lift
Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage
Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity
Warning: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
I upped my pledge... Up yours

Ira Jones and Ima Bear were married on 5/24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in grade school.

At 7PM on Saturday July 7 there will be a Hymn Sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The Parson visited 88 year old Miss Trudy Brumble recently. As he sat on the couch he noticed a small bowl full of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all." the woman replied and pushed the bowl closer. After an hour of chatting the Parson stands to leave and realizes that instead of eating a few peanuts, he has emptied the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all the peanuts, I only meant to have a few."
"That's all right," the woman replied. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck off the chocolate."

Did somebody say
Beartown?

BEARTOWN SIGNS

Beartown Plumbing: WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED
Pizza House: 7 DAYS WITHOUT PIZZA MAKES ONE WEAK
Tire House: INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT
Plastic Surgeon's door: HELLO, CAN WE PICK YOUR NOSE?
Intown Wrecker: WE DON'T CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG. WE WANT TOWS!
Laundrymat: HOW ABOUT WE REFUND YOUR MONEY, SEND YOU A NEW ONE AT NO CHARGE, CLOSE THE LAUNDRY AND HAVE THE MANAGER SHOT. WOULD THAT BE SATISFACTORY?
Gynecologist's door: DR. SMITH, AT YOUR CERVIX
Plumbing truck: DON'T SLEEP WITH A DRIP. CALL YOUR PLUMBER

"TO EXERCISE OR NOT TO EXERCISE"
Resident Responses

It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home costing $5,000 per month.
My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is 70 now and we don't know where she is.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a Health Club last year and spent $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

IS IT APPROPRIATE FOR YOU TO EXERCISE?

ONLY YOUR DOCTOR KNOWS FOR SURE!